02.24.2005
1:08 p.m.
Back to normal and an inquiry
Praise Allah.
Everything is up and running smoothly today.
Well, at least so far.
*knock on wood*
This morning, I was really very productive and focused from 8 until about 9 AM.
Then I started doing my usual do some work, then do some internet surfing, do a few minutes of work, do 30 minutes of internet surfing.
This was all interspersed with thoughts of "less than a year before I can get out of this hellhole. THANK BUDDHA!"
And now, it's the afternoon. I finally went to get food a bit ago when I noticed I was rocking in my chair...unintentionally. Whoops! Guess I waited a little too long to eat again.
Well, hello there, tangent!
How do you do?
So anyway, I'm once again pretty damn unmotivated. I'm using up the majority of my brain function today trying to figure out how to pay my credit card bill plus a car payment plus however much it'll end up costing me for Weetacon. After about 5 hours of thinking about it, I've decided that I either need to get a bonus in the next couple/few weeks, or I need to rob a gas station or something. I don't want millions...I just a little something to tide me over.
Where the hell is all my money going, anyway?
You'd think that with the speed I go through money, I simply cash my paycheck, put all the dollar bills into a pile, and set it ablaze.
But no. It is not nearly that exciting and doesn't have the benefit of letting me see pretty pretty dancing flames.
It just goes...a little bit here, a little bit there.
I know it's partially how because I'm very either/or. Either I'm a miser and barely spend my money on anything, or I'm spending like crazy. I need to find that happy medium.
I think that's pretty much my life quest right there...finding my "happy medium". Living/feeling/being this far into the extremes will become completely exhausting after a few more years.
Speaking of extreme, I think I'll use this little portal into cyberspace to ask everyone reading this to help me out with something.
I have this tendency when thinking about things from the past...past relationship issues, things others have done to me, etc. to actually feel like I'm back in that situation again. All the anger/hurt/frustration/sadness/whatever consumes me again. My heart starts beating harder. I feel the blood rising into my face. It's your basic fight/flight response.
I know that some might say I'm "reliving instead of remembering".
So, I wanted to ask...
Does anyone have any tips for me as far as a way to teach my body how to remember something and then let it go? Or to remember something for longer than a moment but without feeling like I'm in that situation again? As much as I try, I haven't been able to convince myself that what's done is done, that it won't happen again, that it's not happening now, and that I can remember something without feeling all the emotions that go with that particular memory?
I feel somewhat stupid asking about this here, but I've already googled it (yep. still a dork.) and didn't really find anything worthwhile.
Anything you can share would be appreciated. Leave a note, comment at the bottom of the entry, or e-mail me at science-girlATdiarylandDOTcom. I think I've finally got my e-mail set up to receive things sent to my D-Land e-mail.
Tons of thanks in advance...
On the lighter side, I would really LOVE some Twizzlers right about now.
Listening to: Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway
Reading: David Sedaris. One of these days I'll finish it.
Nail color: A big, fat nothing. Painted 'em gold last night, decided I didn't like it and took it off.
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