09.29.2003
8:59 a.m.
Warning: TMI...letters
Dear Whichever God is in Charge of Bodily Functions (Or possibly Loki, Norse God of Mischief):
I'm getting quite cranky now. If I don't have a good poo within the next few days, I might have to kill myself. Two weeks is a little long to wait. If you could arrange something, I'd appreciate it.
Or, I could just keep stealing Miralax from my step-daughter, and pray that at some point it works for me.
Thanks,
Poopless in MI
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Dear God in Charge of PMS (You've got to be a male):
If I could stop dropping things (or throwing them on the floor, as it seems lately), that would be good. Paper is fine, but breakable items are not. What if instead of getting the dropsies when I have PMS, I just like...sneeze a lot or something. Oh wait, I'm already doing that. Never mind.
Sincerely,
Butter Fingers
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Dear Whoever Rules Children's Behavior:
Can you help me to understand how a not-yet-3-year-old has the capacity to understand the inner workings of people's minds, and use them to her advantage to drive her caretakers insane? I don't even understand most people well enough to make them happy, let alone to figure out what pisses them off.
Also, if you could give her like 15% less energy, just for a few years, we'd appreciate it. We're exhausted after being with her for an hour. Or, if you can't give her less energy, at least make her sleep longer during naps. The amount of time we're getting for naps now just isn't cutting it.
Thanks,
Exhausted
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Dear God in Charge of Teeth:
I swear I'll call the dentist today. Just please don't make the teeth that have been sore for about 2 months now require any serious or painful treatment. Also please don't let that thing that looks like a crack in my front tooth turn into anything. I'd look really funny with half of a front tooth.
Sincerely,
The Procrastinator
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Dear Old Man Winter:
You're early.
Go away.
Sincerely,
No Body Heat of my Own in MI
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