08.20.2003
9:20 a.m.
Drugs, orgasmic ice cream and an epiphany
The drugs I got yesterday? Are good shit. My sister told me to take them about an hour before I actually wanted to go to sleep, so I took one (25 mg pill of generic amitriptyline) at about 10 PM. 40 minutes later, my head felt as though it was filled with concrete, and if I kept my eyes closed too long when I blinked, I would immediately fall asleep. I kept sitting up in bed after this, though, because part of me wanted to see if the HUGE WEIGHT that was my head would make me fall over at any point. (For the record, it never did.)
I actually slept really well last night. Woke up for the first time after 5 AM, which is EXCELLENT for me. Didn't have any super active dreams, and I don't think my twitching got out of hand at all. Whoo hoo!
Even getting up this morning was fine. I was only about as tired as I normally am. There don't seem to be any residual side effects.
PLUS...PLUS!!!! It only cost me $6.60 to get my prescription filled for the month. Whoo hoo! So, instead of being at least $60 a month for prescriptions like I thought, it will only be $46.60 a month (at least). Yay for generic equivalents!
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I had the BEST DAMN ICE CREAM EVER last night. It's Godiva's Chocolate Raspberry Truffle ice cream. It's like an orgasm in a pint container. It's INCREDIBLE.
TRY IT!
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I had an epiphany on the way to work this morning. I have this obsession with never letting on to people that I'm depressed/having trouble in a relationship/sad/suicidal/whatever the case may be. I have this NEED to present the best possible "Everything is fine" face to the world. I was unsure of why this was, and this morning I realized the origin.
When your father is an alcoholic, it's like a dirty little secret. Your family barely even talks about it, so why would you want to let other people outside of the situation find out about it? They might feel sorry for you, or treat you differently. The image of this "perfect family" would be ruined, and people would find out how fucked up your home life really is.
Now, I'm not saying it was absolutely horrible growing up in a house with an alcoholic. I also won't say that it didn't make me untrustful of certain people and situations and temperments. I won't say that it didn't make me grow up faster than I should have had to. I'm just saying that there was always this understood-but-never-said-aloud expectation that you would never tell anyone about what things were really like. If anyone asked, your response should be "Things are fine!" said with a smile.
Now that I know the origin of this desire, I wonder if I can now stop trying to maintain the illusion of fine-ness, and start being more honest with the people around me?
Hmm...
Probably not.
It was just an idea, anyway...
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In other news, it's now been a WHOLE MONTH since I last SIed. Hooray for me!
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