10.07.2003
9:52 a.m.
Seeing me through gentle eyes
I am once again reminded of my incredible impatience as I wait to receive even a few of the retouched photos from my shoot on Saturday. I know I have to wait up to a week to get the full CD of pictures from one of the photographers, but I want to see even a FEW in e-mail. I want to see how they turned out. I want to see how I look. I want to see if I can see me as other people see me. I want to look at a picture that I'm in and think, "Wow, that's a beautiful picture" rather than just "Big nose. Big thighs. Big hips. Ick. That's me. Ick."
I want to be able to distance myself from the images enough to cast aside every negative thought and self-image I carry around with me, so I can actually SEE me as I truly am.
It should be a good learning experience for me.
I will once again try to go back to what I learned as a massage practitioner-in-training, as we learned to look at ourselves and others with "gentle eyes." Seeing, but not judging. Seeing and accepting that these things are what they are.
I don't expect to have a major epiphany, and to be able to completely get rid of the dysmorphic way I view my body. But it would be nice, if only for a few moments, to see me as beautiful, instead of "not quite there yet."
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On a totally different note, I would KILL to have a doughnut right now.
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