2003-01-10
1:20 p.m.
The Maiden Voyage
This morning I finally went to the doctor and admitted my depression and anxiety. I cried at the Physician Assistant almost as soon as she walked in the room. I am a sucky cry-baby. :-)
But, it felt good when she told me that it's not my fault, it's something to do with the serotonin levels in my brain. It took me forever to convince myself that I wasn't WEAK for being sad. I felt guilty for the longest time when I'd look at my life and all the good things in it, and I'd STILL feel like shit. It took me forever to admit that it wasn't normal to be sad all the time, to think of suicide as a good option for the days when I thought things were shitty and there's no way they were getting any better. I thought no one's life was supposed to be happy. I thought I was normal.
Deep down, I knew there was something slightly wrong with waking up about once every two months and thinking, "Holy crap, I feel happy! So THAT'S what that feels like!"
I shouldn't be surprised at my depression, considering the facts that it's genetic and my dad suffers from anxiety, my mom suffers from depression, and my sister has both anxiety and depression.
I was put on Paxil CR, and I started it this morning. I felt different almost immediately upon taking it, just because there was some sort of hope that I would someday feel like a normal human being where before there was no hope.
Hooray for becoming one of the medicated masses.
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